I know I’ve hurt you,
With all those painful words that I said.
But as the girl that you love or loved,
And as a man who still has great dignity in my eyes,
I hope you’re not making me wait just for nothing,
Because I didn’t tell you that I’ll wait just for you to have some time to find someone new.
I hope you’ll find the courage to talk to me soon,
To let me know if we still have something between the two of us,
Something that we can still solve,
Something that we can still save.
It was last month when I sketched you for the first time and I really worked hard on that for two days, expecting that I’ll get the best compliment from the person that I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I finally showed it to you, it’s as if all the disappointments that I’ve encountered in my life came back to me and drowned me. With mocking eyebrows and smile on your face, you asked, “What’s that? That’s me? Since when?”.
I thought it was sweet that you wrote your letters in a simple paper that was torn imperfectly and without effort from a crappy notebook, then it’s just now that I just realized, was that my only worth for you?
I almost used all the words in my vocabulary just to express my pure love for you and you just kept on choosing not to talk to me whenever you’re having problems with her.
You used to tell me stories about your ex’s, you used to read to me the letters that your ex wrote to you. I feel sorry for them, I feel deeply sorry for her.
You asked me, “Who’ll stay with a man like me? All of them eventually left me in the end. No one’s patient enough to stay with me.” I answered you with words that assured you that I’ll never leave. I tried my best. I’ve gather all the stupidities and efforts from all your exes and used these as my strength. Unfortunately, these were all wasted.
I told you that I’ll wait for you, that I made the wrong decision and that I want you back because I believe we can still solve this, that we can still save us. But you were already communicating with someone new.
Sometimes, I wish you were my words,
Because my words know I’m on fire,
My words know how I’ve been burning,
My words know how much pain I’m in.
I’m missing your voice,
I’m missing every part of you,
I hate the current state we are in,
I hate this invisible space between us.
When things again are becoming gray,
I always tell myself come what may,
I can never leave him like what they did,
All my life I am willing to bid.
He’s like an unopened book that I’ve been dying to read,
If he were a drink he would be a mead,
He’s addicting in every way,
He never fails to make me feel slay.
Sometimes when he’s in deep thought,
I wonder how many fights he had fought,
That made him the man he is now,
To share to him all these things I ask myself how.
I hope you love my scars,
I hope you love my birthmarks,
Especially the one at my right breast,
I hope you love my stretch marks,
Especially the ones that are so visible at the back of my legs,
I hope you love my teeth,
Even if I haven’t got braces yet,
I hope you love my nails,
Even if they’re always short because of my nail-biting habit,
I hope you love my body,
Particularly my stomach,
Even if it is not model-flat,
I hope you love my thick eyebrows,
I hope you love my dark brown eyes,
I hope you love my lips,
Even if they get so chapped sometimes,
I hope you love my black and brown thick curly hair ,
I hope you love my nose,
Even if you’re mocking it most of the time,
I hope you love me,
I hope you’ll love me,
Despite all these physical imperfections.
I’ve seen you naked, comfortably lying on your bed. I’ve seen you taking a bath, your so-called “long” baths. I’ve seen you in glasses, how they fit perfectly on you. I’ve seen you play video games and how you’re always focused to win. I’ve seen you read news, reading them to me while I’m doing my own thing. I’ve seen you laugh, I really love to see those beautiful lips whenever they smile, and your funny giggles and exaggerated reactions whenever you see something funny or weird. I’ve seen you happy whenever your kids are speaking with you and I really adore that you’re still there as their father after all the hardships that you’ve gone through. I’ve seen you in pain after having a long and suckish conversation with her. I’ve seen you mad, disgusted at yourself because of what you’ve done. I’ve seen you cry, I’ve seen you in tears, your eyes turning red because of the pain. I’ve seen you stressed from work. I’ve seen you craving for foods. I’ve seen you eat in a rice cooker, I’ve seen you use random stuff as your utensils. I’ve seen you problematic, when you completely had no idea of what to do.
When I woke up this morning, I smiled when I suddenly realized that it’s already been a year, and nothing has changed. The 17th of April felt like it just happened yesterday. I’m still in love with you despite of all the bad things that happened. You’re still the person to whom I fell in love with. Maybe one day we’ll feel like we’re already tired of what we have, or maybe I’ll even break up with you or you with me, I hope that you’ll do your best to get me back, because I would want you to get me back. I know it’s weird but I would really appreciate it if someone will “fight” for me even if I’m already giving up. And I’d do the same if ever you’re the one who’s going to leave. I know it’s gonna be hard to fight, but if you think and feel that you still want me and if you think you made the wrong decision of breaking up with me, regardless of how many days or week or months or years have passed, please come back. And I hope I can do the same if ever it happens the other way around. Because at the end, I know that you’ll still be the person that I’d love to spend my future life with.
I said I loved him,
While biting my lower lip,
Thinking about the amount of pain,
That this will cause him,
But I know to myself,
That I didn’t mean it,
I love him and I’ll always will,
But I wasn’t able to control my impulse,
And he’s now hurting so bad.