Terrified to hold on tightly onto something then inevitably drop it carelessly.
I'm sick of complicating things. I hate worrying so much about what is right or what makes sense.
I've build high walls and locked my heart securely, throwing away the keys and reminding myself my worth. My life may be mundane without vivid colors and roller coaster emotions but I found peace
. It's better to decide on closing off my heart than risking the chance of getting hurt again. I've spent a large part of my life chasing the love I thought I deserve, so many times that I found myself growing tired of it. I'm tired of fighting for something that wasn't mine to begin with, there's no point in trying.
Then you came, the unending questions keep on haunting me back.
This intensity, it's terrifying.
Afraid of the cliche moments, the accidental eye contact, the comfortable silence, the silly actions. The romantic gestures, the good morning and goodnight chat. Wondering if you felt it.
What if you ended being like the rest of them? What if you leave me hanging like someone did? Is he worth letting in?
Your genuine words made my walls crumbling down. And then you disappear out of the blue without a warning.
Now, I want a way out. Do you know much it affects me? I thought there was an "us" or "we" but it's just "you" and "me". There's no label or assurance to hope on.
We seemed to click, there was a spark, and it was just plain easy with you. You weren’t there to catch me. You had someone else, I knew that when this started.
As much as I tried to pull myself away from you in fear of getting too close, I always opened up myself to you. Even though I wanted to quit, my heart keeps on choosing you.
You led me on your trap and I fell onto the deep, deep hole that no amount of helping hands could bring me back.
I thought I was getting better, then you suddenly show up. You'll contact me in times when I'm least expecting it.
Please don't let me guessing how you feel.
But right now, if you're reading this. I had finally found the courage to let you go. I've never met someone who makes me happy to be alive than you do, so I want to say thank you. Thank you for crushing my heart into tiny pieces and leaving me from the mess you made. Thank you for giving me this remarkable experience of loving and losing.
So I'll now start stop missing "us". I will no longer hope that it is your name that will flash on my screen and no longer feel disappointed when it doesn't.
Sometimes people come into our life at certain times for a reason, and I truly believe you and I met for a reason.
I might just be a stupid girl when it comes to love, but there is still a small part of me holding out faith that one day you will be there to catch me. I still like you and I'm sorry. I know a little part of me will always do. I will always be the girl who cheers you silently in every game and will always be proud of your achievements in life.
So this why I'm afraid to write about you.
I'm afraid that someday you will finally learn that all the letters and poems I wrote are all about you.
I'm afraid that you will finally see the secrets I always keep you away from, terrified that one day you'll learn everything.
I am afraid to write about you, because I like you far more than I should.
I'm afraid to write about you that when you finally read this and you realize it's you all along.